Coping with grief at Christmas

Whether it's your first Christmas since you lost a loved one, or you might have lost someone many years ago, Christmas can be a particularly painful time. 

When you’re grieving, the thought of celebrating Christmas can be overwhelming. It’s important to look after yourself and work out the best ways to cope throughout the season.

Supporting yourself over Christmas

Consider different ways of celebrating

Try planning in advance how you’ll celebrate. You may not feel the need to celebrate Christmas at all. Or, you might find sticking to at least some of your normal Christmas traditions  is the best way to support your family and pay tribute to the person who died. It’s important to do what’s right for you and try not to feel pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. 

Find ways to remember your loved one

This can be as simple as ‘speaking’ to the person, silently or out loud, visiting their grave, or a place that was special to them. These things can be done alone or with friends or family. You may have photos or memories which you can share to bring you together. 

Accept that others may have different ways of grieving.

We know that people remember and mourn in different ways. Sometimes families can find it difficult when they have different ideas about how to grieve and this can lead to arguments. Try to be sensitive to others’ needs, and talk openly together about what will be best for you all.

Try to maintain a routine.

The Christmas period may disrupt your normal routine, and this can make it harder to look after yourself. Keeping regular patterns of sleeping and eating where possible can make a difference. Seeing friends and family, or volunteering for the day, are all small things that can help. If you’re having to isolate over Christmas, try to make sure you make time for movement and regular meals.

Look after yourself

It can be tempting to drink more during the festive period and it can feel like a drink may help numb the pain. But it’s important to remember that using alcohol or recreational drugs only provides temporary relief. If you find yourself drinking to cope, it might be time to seek help. 

Further support

Symptoms of bereavement, grief and loss

Bereavement, grief and loss can cause many different symptoms and they affect people in different ways. There's no right or wrong way to feel.

As well as bereavement, there are other types of loss such as the end of a relationship or losing a job or home.

Some of the most common symptoms include:

• Shock and numbness – this is usually the first reaction to loss, and people often talk about "being in a daze"
• Overwhelming sadness, with lots of crying
• Tiredness or exhaustion
• Anger – towards the person you've lost or the reason for your loss
• Guilt – for example, guilt about feeling angry, about something you said or did not say, or not being able to stop your loved one dying

These feelings may not be there all the time and powerful feelings may appear unexpectedly.

It's not always easy to recognise when bereavement, grief or loss are the reason you're acting or feeling differently.

Things you can try to help with bereavement, grief and loss:

Do

• Try talking about your feelings to a friend, family member, health professional or counsellor – you could also contact a bereavement support organisation such as Cruse or call: 0808 808 1677

• If you're struggling to sleep, get sleep tips from Every Mind Matters

• Consider peer support, where people use their experiences to help each other. Find out more about peer support on the Mind website

• Listen to free mental wellbeing audio guides

• Try the 6 ways to feel happier, which are simple lifestyle changes to help you feel more in control and able to cope

Don’t

• Don't try to do everything at once – set small targets that you can easily achieve

• Don't focus on the things you cannot change – focus your time and energy into helping yourself feel better

• Try not to tell yourself that you're alone – most people feel grief after a loss and support is available

• Try not to use alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to relieve grief – these can all contribute to poor mental health

You can find further information and support about:

• grief and bereavement on the Cruse website
• losing your partner or child in pregnancy
• losing someone to suicide on the Mind website

The GOV.UK website also has information about what to do after someone dies, such as registering the death and planning a funeral.